1.31.10 Going through the New and the Old

Today was a sad and happy day. As I got Jakob dressed in one of his favorite outfits, I realized it was the last time he could wear it. I knew it was coming, but I am always sad to say goodbye to his adorable outfits when he outgrows them. My husband wont let me play dress up on him, but as long as I can, I am going to with my children! =) I bought a few new shirts to celebrate and pulled out his new clothes, 24 Months. If you have been there before, a little advice polease-is there a size difference between 24 months and 2T? So I pulled out all his new clothes and got super excited about the NEW adorable outfits! Can't wait to see him looking like a big boy. I've decided to embrace the whole rough and tumble boy thing and prep him out in skater shirts...and I feel a spike coming on!

Jakob Bundled Up

Today it was pretty chilly, but Jakob really wanted to go outside and play. I bought him this cute ear flap hat and mittens after it snowed in case it happened again. Even though there was no snow, it was definately cold enough. He looked so cute in them. He kept looking at his hands like "What are these things?" but he never tried to take them off!

Doppleganger

Facebook is something I use frequently. It's like the lifeline to everyone I know who is far away. It has lots of wierd things though, on of which is changing your picture for random reasons. This week the theme is your doppleganger (the idea that there is are two of everyone). The only person I have ever been told I look like is Rosie O' Donnel. What do you think?

Moon Halo

Saw one of these for the first time Tuesday night. I have to say it was probably one of the most spiritual moments I have ever had. It was so beautiful and eerie. Saw on the news it was seen by thousands of North Texans. I am so glad I was one of them.

P.S. I found this photo on the net, I couldnt get a good shot...but this is what it looked like.

New Do

Here's my haircut, which I love despite the kids telling me it makes me look like a teenager and that thats a bad thing. It is much friendlier to me.

Empty

Well we went to the doc today to make sure I did not need a D&C. I don't thank goodness. They did an ultrasound, but there was nothing there. It was weird to see after getting used to seeing a baby in there when I was pregnant with Jakob. It made me feel pretty darn empty. I still have to go back to get my levels checked, every week until they are back at zero. She said everything looked good and we could start trying immeadiately, but I am not ready. Maybe in a few months we will try again, but I need to process what happened. Luckily my bosses are awesome and gave me today and tommorrow off. So I plan on processing many margaritas tonight.

So long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehn, Goodnight

Well I had my levels tested yesterday, and I am suppose to go back on Wednesday. However, there is no doubt in my mind that this baby is gone. I am not being dramatic and will spare you the gory details, but trust me, there's simply no way.
I am sad, but I am trying to remember that things happen for a reason. All those months I was trying to get pregnant with Jakob and depressed when it didnt happen, if it would have at any moment, I would not have the same kid I have now. That sounds wierd, but I can't get through this without putting my faith in God. This was completely out of my control. I am just glad now that I can start to move on. Thank you for being so kind and praying for me.

Never thought my blog would get so serious so fast.

I feel so awful. I can hardly go more than an hour and I start crying again. I don't know how I will ever make it through work this week, not that I have a choice. I don't like being in this limbo, I don't want it to be over, but I dont want to keep going like this. I wish I had no responsibilities and could just crawl into bed and hide out till I feel brave enough to face the world again. Tommorrow I am suppose to go to the doctor, but I doubt there will be much news. I have watched too many people I love go through this, I don't know why I thought it wouldn't happen to me. Only 5% of women who's last pregnancy was successful have miscarriages. When did I get so lucky as to start being in the minorities...

Pins and Needles

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for what my body has been telling me is inevitable. And I blame myself. I know its not my fault, but if I wasn't so OCD, so neuorotic, so controlling, I wouldnt have to know it was happening. I'd just think it was a period. I wouldnt feel like I am losing a part of me. Like I am waiting to wake up from a great dream turned bad. I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset, it was nothing. It was so early. But I was really excited. In my previously mentioned neuroitic, OCD, controlling mind, I was planning. I never saw it coming, or was I trying to ignore the obvious. It didn't feel right and I wrote it off. I didn't cause it, but it is my fault that I have to pay this price.

So I am waiting.

Test Anxiety

I finally bit the bullet and registered for the PPR today. This is the last major hurdle I have to jump to finally get my certification. The problem is, its the one I can screw up. Its a test, and I have taken the prep course twice, been utterly confused and overwhelmed by the fact that there is no real way to study for this test, and had a major fight with an instructor due to my frustration. Did I mention it was $195? I have never been so scared of any test in my life...I am usually a pretty confident teast taker, but this one has me terrified. I can always take it again if I dont pass, but $200 is a lot of money to me, and I would no doubt feel even less confident taking it the second time. I am going to go buy the prep manual today and start "studying", the test is on Feb 6th. I guess until then I will be full of anxiety. Totally lame.

A Suprise for the Teacher

I have been teaching my 2nd and 3rd graders about clowns, the different types and how they are part of theatre. I also taught them tricks they could use as clown acts like juggling, balloon animals, pantomime, etc.... Each kid had to design their own clown complete with costume, makeup, and an act. Then they had to perform the act for the class. I have this one girl who is very, very quiet and sweet. She told me during our rehearsal she wanted to tell a joke for her act. I told her she would need to find a knock knock joke or something and bring it to class. So today she gets up to perform her act and she says, "I am a Pierrot clown, and for my act I am going to tell a joke." Then she says the part that made me go, uh oh. "So there's a chinese guy, a mexican, and a white guy on an airplane...." I almost died laughing, and not from the joke which wasn't very funny or racist (thank goodness). I think maybe she messed it up a little, but I am glad for that! I couldn't believe such a sweet, shy, quiet girl, had found one of those kind of jokes to tell her third grade class. These kids crack me up. Then there's another girl who is from Ethiopia. She just moved here a few months ago and speaks very little english. Rehearsing with her was not so easy. She wanted to do an animal trick, so I told her I would bring a stuffed animal and she could make it sit and stay. So she goes up on stage with a beloved dog Jeff gave me when we first started dating (that unfortunately was the only stuffed animal not in my sleeping son's room this morning) and sits it on the stage. Then she walks to the other side of the stage, turns around and runs at the dog giving it a hard kick. It went flying across the room and of course the kids cracked up. I was in shock. Lost in translation I guess.
That was the exciting part of my day today, besides finding out Jakob got bit by a kid at daycare. He has a full imprint of teeth on his forehead. Not cool. I think I did a good job not freaking out about it though, I know its something toddlers go through and before long it will be my son doing the biting. I just hope its gone by Tuesday or we will be postponing his overdue 1st bday pics again. Its hard to catch a toddler on a day where he is bruise, scratch, and apparently bitemark free.

Too Attached

So for the first time in three years of teaching, I have become wildly invested in this kid. He's smart and charming, but kind of a little shit. He reminds me of myself at his age though, to some degree. He is in fourth grade, but causes trouble like a teenager. I have been trying to work with him and keep him on the straight and narrow...okay so maybe its a wide path rather than narrow, but its straight anyways. I am so worried that he is going to end up in gangs or prison, he has awesome(sense the sarcasm) role models of that kind. He has so much potential though. Anyways, he has made some progress, or so I thought. Today though, I was grading papers in my room and I heard commotion in the hallway. It was that kind of commotion where you get chills because you know there is something bad happening. So I trot out there, and who should I find but my precious attachment throwing punches at another kid. FOURTH GRADE! So I grabbed him and pulled him back, and luckily the other kid was not fighting back at all, and the whole 4th grade class was trying to wedge themselves between them, so he never actually made contact. I couldn't believe it...and worse yet, he was fighting him because he had stolen these stupid little tech deck shoes from him, and the other kid tattled. I don't know what to do, I mean what can I do? He's not my kid and I can't force him to make good decisions. It literally broke my heart though. I was almost in tears after dealing with taking them both to the principal. He got three days suspension...fourth grade.

It was because of this I decided I needed a blog. I miss blogging on myspace, it was a way to talk through my emotions, even if no one reads it. So I hope someone out there enjoys reading these, but if not, I enjoy writing them and thats whats important.